What Love Is
by itchylich
Summary: Elsa longs for that which she has but can never own. The pangs of jealousy flare up whenever she visits her sister in their home. [post-canon Elsanna]


Elsa visited Arendelle once a week, typically on Fridays, the day she both anticipated and dreaded. For one, she was always glad to come home, to enjoy the luxurious comfort of being in a castle, getting her fill of chocolates and the company of Anna, Olaf, Sven, and Kristoff. On the other hand, she didn't look forward to embarrassing herself with her deplorable skill in the family-friendly games Anna picked for their weekly game night. That, and another reason.

She sped across the fjord on the Nokk, the wind in her hair, their course set for Arendelle castle. On the embankment near the rear entrance to the castle, her family and friends awaited her arrival with their arms raised in greeting. Kristoff had an arm around Anna's shoulders, and it was all she could do to not turn around and return to the far north, where she wouldn't have to deal with that. She thanked the Nokk for the safe journey and hugged everyone in turn. She saved the longest, warmest embrace she had for Anna, who was more than glad to reciprocate. Elsa felt warm and fuzzy inside at being reunited with her sister, but tried not to let the dull ache that took root in her chest make itself known in her expression.

If there was any consolation, it was that Anna insisted on taking Elsa by the hand as they made their way back into the castle. Glee welled up in her as she had her sister's warm hand within her grasp. But her glee was short-lived no thanks to the cold, metal band she wore on her finger, the band that kept her from enjoying Anna's touch, the reason she dreaded coming back to Arendelle. Was it some fluke of ill fortune? Some cruel joke of fate, that Anna grabbed her with the hand she wore her engagement ring on?

Having her hand held by her sister suddenly didn't seem as pleasing as it did before.

* * *

Anna had a ring around her finger, a simple band of silver and gold, one she wore like a prize. Elsa knew what that ring was for, she was there when it was given to her, when Kristoff asked for her hand in holy matrimony. She was there when she gave Anna her blessing to say yes. Every now and again, the light would strike the metal band and her gaze would fall upon it, bringing forth fresh regret at her decision to let Anna go.

It has been four months since Anna ascended the throne, four months since Elsa lived with the Northuldra. Four months since they have lived apart. She could recall clearly the heartbreak on Anna's face the day she decided to leave Arendelle. She could recall clearly how her sister pleaded for her to stay. She could recall how difficult it was to leave her sister, how much it hurt to see her heartbroken, crying like a child who just lost her best friend.

"I'm sorry, Anna." Her own voice rang clear in her memory. "But I have to go. That is where I belong."

A lie. A blatant, selfish lie concealed by the guise of destiny, of higher calling. She just didn't want to be around when just seeing Anna and Kristoff felt like a hundred cold daggers digging into her flesh. She should've felt happy for them, but instead felt only jealousy and pain. She remembered how Anna gave her blessing: a dejected but understanding nod. It still broke her heart how her sister wasn't able to see through her deception, but at least it made things easier for her.

She thought that at least her twisted, frozen heart wouldn't have to hurt more than it already does.

* * *

Sometimes, Anna would stop what she was doing to admire the ring on her finger and turn to Elsa with glee in her eyes. All Elsa could do is smile back. Whether it was as a sign of support for her sister's happiness or a deflection to hide the fresh pangs of jealousy biting into her heart, she didn't know. She managed to convince herself it was the former. Anna's happiness takes priority, after all. Elsa would go so far as to numb herself for Anna's sake.

Elsa was with Anna in the study she used to spend her afternoons in, looking over her sister's shoulder as they pored over all manner of official documents, giving her advice on running a nation or deciding its future course of action. "You should take back the throne," joked Anna as she put another block of chocolate in her mouth, "you're more suited to politics than I am. I could help you out in dealing with the citizens though."

Elsa smiled in response: a gentle dismissal of the proposal. "I would, but someone has to interpret the will of the spirits." Liar, she scolded herself, being careful not to let her treacherous tongue slip the fact that there's something she isn't telling Anna. Worry flashed across the redhead's features, tinged with a hint of longing. _Did I let it show on my face after all?_ "Besides," she continued, maintaining the forced smile upon her lips, "you're doing pretty well on your own."

She lay a hand on her sister's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze to allay her little sister's anxieties and to cover up her own lapse. Anna grinned and put her hand over Elsa's, the soft, dainty digits working their way between Elsa's fingers. Her pulse quickened and her cheeks flushed then for a brief moment before she willed her traitorous heart to calm itself. She hoped Anna didn't notice the telltale signs of her internal struggle when she finally let go to return to her work.

Elsa wished that moment could've lasted longer.

* * *

Dinner was mostly uneventful - the others were interested in stories about the spirits and the Northuldra sure enough, Kristoff seemed fixated on asking about Ryder, but she could tell that their minds were more set on that night's game night. That degree of excitement was almost creepy and she was this close to betting against herself. She never had any good expectations for whatever game it was going to be to begin with. Much to her misfortune, they picked charades. While everyone cheered, it was all Elsa could do to keep her composure intact and her screaming internal. Terrible as she may be at the game however, she found a loophole and was more than ready to exploit it.

The dreaded lightning round came. Boys vs girls. Olaf cycled through different configurations and Kristoff figured out every single one, netting them 10 points. Then came time for the girls. Anna cheered for her sister as she drew from the lot and as Kristoff and Olaf exchanged a smug look. Her time to shine then started. With her power, she conjured up images with ice and dispelled them the moment Anna blurted her answer. It looked simple enough, but to create and destroy within the span of a second was a challenge for Elsa.

"Hoop! Violin! Stairs! Cage! Trumpet! Tree!" Anna kept going, much to the dismay and surprise of Kristoff and Olaf. Elsa was just about ready to move on to the next word until she read what it was.

_Precious_

Elsa had no idea how to portray that. Her gaze turned to Anna, who bounced on her seat and had an expectant look on her face: her brow furrowed, her lips pursed, and her eyes foward-facing and focused. Not before long, the time for the lightning round expired and the boys broke out in cheer. Anna's approach broke her out of her stupor.

Gently, Anna took the slip of paper from Elsa's hands and read it. "Precious, huh?" Elsa remembered that she was supposed to play out the topic, not stare at it. She mentally slapped her forehead for that blunder. Anna turned back to Elsa with a smile. "Fair enough. I don't think I can manage that either."

Maybe game night isn't so terrible after all.

* * *

The only times Anna took the ring off are bath time and bed time. It was one reason Elsa was fond of the nights of her visiting days. It was one of the few times in her visits that she had her little sister entirely to herself. No ring, no thoughts of engagement getting in the way of their sisterly bond. Anna had no reservations bathing with Elsa. "We're sisters, after all!" She always said. Elsa always smiled in response. _Is that why I can't have you all to myself? Why you can't be mine?_

Elsa's gaze followed the beads of water rolling down Anna's back, noting how they expose the contours of her shoulders and spine. They engaged in conversation in the bath, mostly to catch up. It was a mystery how Elsa managed to give Anna coherent replies, even to herself, as the sounds of Anna's voice were but distant, muffled noises against the pounding of Elsa's heart. She hoped Anna didn't hear just the deafening pounding of that treacherous heart of hers, that it didn't betray the longing, the hunger, she worked so hard to hide.

She kept herself focused on washing Anna's hair, on making sure the fiery red strands were well-coated with the soap. She occupied herself with running Anna's hair through her fingers, trying to quell any thought or urge to just jump on Anna and take her there and then. How cruel, she thought. She was being tantalized with the one thing she wants most but can never have. To distract herself further, she resolved to counting every freckle that dusted Anna's back and shoulders, taking care not to lose herself in admiration.

"Elsa?" Anna's voice broke through her train of thought. At some point, she stopped absentmindedly washing Anna's hair. Worried eyes stared at her. Through her. Anna's front was in full view now, her freckled chest and the contour of her breasts laid bare for her eyes to feast on. She felt heat rush to her face and to her… unsightly parts. She hoped the red on her cheeks was barely visible through the curtain of steam rising from the water.

"Sorry. It's been a long day."

"Then we better finish up here quick if we want to go to bed on time!" Anna then gestured for Elsa to turn around and she began returning the favor: washing her back and her hair. Only a thin layer of water and soap separated them, Elsa thought then shook her head. She mustn't let such thoughts get to her. She mustn't let herself entertain her desire. "By the way, are you okay? You look kind of red."

Elsa justified that it was just the hot water making her flush.

* * *

Elsa lay on her bed in her old bedroom next to Anna, the redhead snoring lightly. Anna always slept over with Elsa whenever she visited, and it was one of the things she looked forward to on her weekends.

She turned toward Anna and observed her sleeping face, dimly illuminated by the moonlight flowing in through the window. _How lucky Kristoff must be to sleep next to her almost every night._ Elsa sighed. She can't sleep so she let her mind wander.

Something Yelana told her once climbed to the surface of her thoughts: the nature of the fifth spirit is love. For a while, Elsa was confused. Her? Love? When she left her home and her sister because she was selfish? Because she couldn't bear to live with Anna after she got engaged? After she became forever out of her reach?

Love isn't that important, she thought to herself once. But it is. She knows it is. Because despite everything, love is all she has. Love is what brought her back and love is what would keep her going. She knows what love is like; she has felt it, she has _found_ it. To her, it takes the form of a redheaded girl, bright and cheerful and spunky, with a good head on strong shoulders and a will of iron. Love is long embraces in the morning sun next to the clean waters of the fjord, eating chocolates together while going through boring paperwork, and playing games together.

For her, love is Anna. Anna is all she has, even if Anna is also what she cannot have. So she'll settle for these small moments... these moments where she is certain Anna is hers and hers alone, even if temporarily. She'll focus on the love that exists in their interactions and let it be what drives her to be who she is: the fifth spirit. The bridge between worlds. Anna's one and only beloved sister.

Elsa wrapped her arms around Anna's waist and drew her close. She'd savor this warmth, this scent, this feeling for when the morrow comes, it'll be gone again.


End file.
